the tech oligarchs' big plan to have you live in space filth

No, seriously, they think we should be thrilled.

Are you struggling to pay your bills as inflation soars? Does your job hunt feel kind of like trying to trap a ghost? Has the political turmoil and the chaos of various masked thugs kidnapping people off the street for existing while not white enough have you alarmed about the future as you weigh what bills to pay and which can wait without setting your credit score on fire?

Well, one of the world’s richest men says you have nothing to worry about because you’ll soon be living in space. I’m not exactly sure how this is supposed to help, but fresh off promising us a constellation of high end data centers in orbit in 20 years, Jeff Bezos is forecasting a move to space for millions of us, starting with the Moon which means that no one should be discouraged about life right now.

See, this is what I mean when I say that tech oligarchs do not live in the same world you do, and are not rational actors. You’re trying to keep a roof over your head and food in your fridge, they’re trying to conquer the solar system. And as they’re trying for interplanetary domination, they need minions, err, workers. Maybe.

But anyway, don’t worry about them basically dismantling the world out of grievance and greed because they’ll one day fund your long term move beyond Earth, just like in their favorite sci-fi franchise, or… something like that, I guess.

You can tell how much thought Bezos has given to the people he says will be living in space by how much he talks about the technology he’s ostensibly funding at his Blue Origin startup, but mentions nothing about how they’ll address the dangers of lower gravity on the heart, bones, immune system, fertility, or the scourge of radiation. And that’s not to mention the questions of cleanliness and disease outbreaks.

Believe it or not, living in space today is actually pretty disgusting. Everything is both sticky and dusty at the same time, every cough or sneeze is trapped in the cramped quarters of spacecraft forever, stray debris from bathrooms has free reign, and if all that makes your feel queasy, anxious, and in dire need of some fresh air, sorry to tell you this, but you’re just going to have to keep breathing everyone’s farts.

If you don’t want to be sucked out into the vacuum where all the water in your body will instantly evaporate, leaving you a freeze dried corpse in less than a minute, you better lower those cleanliness standards and see if you can keep the constantly and inevitably mutating bacteria at bay. You’ll probably get some more creature comforts on the Moon thanks to gravity letting some of the filth settle on the floor and maybe wiped down once in a while, but that’s about it.

So, yeah. Don’t be sad. Billionaires with dreams of becoming digital gods will let you live in cramped space filth instead of your increasingly expensive apartment “soon,” and then little problems like food, medicine, and shelter will be replaced by worrying about how much cancer you’re getting as your immune system fails and your body becomes a relativistic shooting gallery. Doesn’t that sound great?